ESFJ with narcissism

This post is going to be about a girl. With regards to personal privacy, I’m going to refer to her as ‘L.’ in this post. What you should know about her is that I met her through my boyfriend (INTJ); they share the same workplace, and she is my boyfriend’s (let’s call him ‘G.’) subordinate. I’m writing this post because I have a general tendency to just think and analyse everything, especially the unhealthy cases, and I thought this would be a worthy writing. I would also like this post to be an eye-opener to some people, which might help them sort out some things in their own lives, too.

The third person who is going to be mentioned here is a guy who is L.’s ex from 3-4 years ago. They dated for 3 months, then she dumped him for someone else literally from one day to the other. (That’s all you should know for now.) I’m going to call him ‘S.’

All the meetings & what I learnt from them

My first time meeting L. happened in the second part of September, 2018. It occurred during a dinner organised by the Office where they all work (it’s a small law firm). Since it was my first ever time seeing her, I thought it would be polite to try to talk to her, so I asked her about her studies, her current projects/works/etc. She answered me, however, failed to ask me in return, but I shrugged it off.

What did catch my attention afterwards was that some time (and alcoholic beverages) later, she followed me to the bathroom, and quite literally flooded me with questions about my relationship with G.—she asked about its duration, how well we can cope with the distance, how serious it is, etc… all the while using “not-question” questions. (The kind of question that is asked in the form of a statement, e.g. “It must be hard maintaining a long-distance relationship. I know I wouldn’t be able to do it.”)

It’s an interesting piece of information that she also had a boyfriend at the time, with whom she had been together for approximately 2 months. She used that fact to tell me, “I don’t think my boyfriend will be the one I marry” which is amusing, because the likelihood of a marriage normally isn’t a tool of evaluation people use to describe a 2-month-long relationship. Hence, it was just another question asked from me.

She also admitted to me (due to being tipsy) that on her second workday, she already asked G. whether he had a girlfriend—it was implemented in the form of “It must be hard finding a girlfriend with such a whimsical work schedule”.

At this point, I would like to note that her brash aggressiveness is to be etched up to a (unhealthy) dominant extraverted Judging function, which is, in her case, Extraverted Feeling. (If it were Te, she wouldn’t beat around the bush not only in this case, but also in her relationships in general, which I know of thanks to S. In a later example, you will also see that she enjoyed wallowing in the emotional turmoil she caused me with her attitude towards G.) Her foreseeing ability is also obscured by the immediate, needy nature of the dominant Judging function, because she just does/says anything that will please her unfulfilled, unhealthy Fe, without any regards to future outcomes and repercussions. Another thing is that her Fe has no idea how to connect with people deeply, on a meaningful level. (But this also has to do with her being an ‘average’ Three in the Enneagram system.)

Then the four of us—L., S., G., and I—were talking to each other. If you’ve ever read anything in connection with the bodily signs of attraction, I’m sure you’ve at least once come across the “first glance” phenomenon, which means that when you are interested in someone, that person is the first one you look at after you finish your talk. This is because we, people, automatically, subconsciously want to know our personal interest’s reaction first, because that becomes the most important to us. And in L.’s case, G. wasn’t just the first one she looked at, but most of the time, also the only one.

Since we were talking as a group, I assumed I’ll stand with them as the fourth corner of the square we (were supposed to) form, and not directly with G. When I glanced over at G., however, I saw that L. was standing next to him, within his intim sphere (meaning that she stood maximum 10-15 cm away from him), as though she belonged to him. By way of an answer to this situation, I also stood next to G., and took his arm.

I caught some other signs, but I’m not going to share all of them—I’m sure that, by now, everyone has got the gist.

After this first meet, I pondered quite a bit on her behaviour towards G. and me. There were a couple things I seeked answer to (why she does it, what her motives are, what has gone avry in her psyche, what her possible Jungian type is, etc.)

It was obvious that she has an unhealthy amount of narcissism harboring within her psyche. It was also evident that she has an unstable emotional life and self-esteem, has problems with connecting to, and bonding with, people, manipulative, chasing idealized “possibilities” of a relationship with someone, and that she is brutally ready to do anything to achieve what she wants.

Now, since my NiFe radar immediately spots the true identities of people, I instantly knew what was going on (and could pin her as “problematic” before our face-to-face meeting by merely seeing a picture of her). It’s easy for me to read in her mind and motives, simply because I can “see” what’s going on underneath the mask she’s trying to maintain.

My second time meeting her occurred a week later, on a Friday, when G. had to go back to the Office, and I went along with him. L. was still there (and at that time, G. shared one office with her), but G. had to go to the clients, so L. and I were left alone. Again, she failed to ask anything from me, so it was my turn to ask her about her well-being. She complained that everything was bad for her, but “it might just have been the so-called ‘autumn depression’”. Then she asked about me, and I told her genuinely that I was fine and that I couldn’t sense that ‘autumn depression’, to which she replied with a foxy-sneaky smile and said, “You will”. (I took that as a covert threat.)

She gave proof of her scarred/wounded envious narcissism when their boss came in to the office, and “complimented” upon the philosophical book I was reading at the time (it wasn’t even a compliment—imagine it as mere appreciation given to the subject of the book). As soon as he left, she instantly started talking about how much she likes reading, by way of an attempt to draw the attention to herself. Here, you should know that the attention was mine for a good 30 seconds, because before and after their boss’ short visit, she was constantly complaining that she “needed to go to the bathroom, and oh my god, what will happen, she shouldn’t have drunk that much because once in her life she opts to drink well and this happens…” etc. You get the idea.

Then G. needed the geographical number of a real estate, which she didn’t tell him, acting as if she had no idea what she was supposed to say. Instead, she started telling him two kinds of data, until G. had to stand and walk up to her to check the needed number for himself. I’m guessing (based on her generally childish attitude) that she took that as a victory over me, but what she ignored here was G.’s body language, which was neutral and closed-off.

Apart from her needing to pee, she was also constantly reminding us that her shift is over soon—in the end, however, she left way after 17 o’clock, giving me the impression she hardly wanted to leave us two alone.

The third time occurred a couple days before Christmas; the entire Office was invited to a dinner (organised by their boss). There, I spotted things like her always being in the proximity of G., despite that she accepted S.’s invitation to a separate dinner for just the two of them, hoping that they can make right whatever has gone wrong in their past. She was nonchalant towards S., but S. was so hung up on those few times she paid attention to him that he didn’t recognise the grandiose truth to their dynamics. (The negative, manipulative aspects of Fe.)

Once, she was also performing a possession-gesture on G. when I joined them (G., S., and L.)—she brushed off some imaginary dust from G.’s jacket, or fixed it on him; I’m not sure about the act itself, I just know she did something alike.

During the dinner, G. was the only man in the group she started a conversation with on her own, otherwise she just replied to the others, and talked solely to A., a new woman in their Office. Once L. went as far as reaching towards G. through their boss, because she was avidly telling a story about G. “always framing her in when he’s responsible for something wrong”, like the children in kindergarten, or the immature 13-year-old kids playing the “it wasn’t me, it was them” game.

All the while, whenever she did something “to” G., she looked at me as if wanting to check if she managed to sting me in the right places.

*

Now, after all the details, comes the interesting part: how do I know she’s narcissistic? How do I know she has problems with her self-esteem?

Issues with Self-Esteem

I’ve already mentioned her dominant J function, which has problems with satisfaction. If you’ve read anything about self-esteem, you must have come across the term, “reward delay”, meaning that for the sake of the “ultimate goal”, you choose not to yield to momentary pleasures. (This is what Aristotle referred to as ‘Eudaimonia’.) People who run on low self-esteem lack this willpower. Then the fact that she needs attention so greedily that it can be literally any kind of attention, as soon as it’s directed at her, its nature is nevermind. (See the scene where she was reminding us of her need to pee.) To a “normal” person, who respects themselves at least a little, it is unimaginable to mortify themselves to such extent—to make others view them as a child who has issues with the most fundamental hygiene.

Her Fe is also the first safety line when it comes to defending her ego by creating a persona (or personas) to “connect” to people—the only problem is that this so-called “connection” is as fake as it is, because the empty, detached Fe has nothing to offer to the relationship; be it work, friendships, or romantic relationships, there are no real emotional features to it. Since the Fe has gone devoid of (deep) emotions, EFJs at these low levels of ego development also have issues with conscience: “everything is rightful as soon as it serves my starving emotional needs”.

Just a quick example of this (which S. shared with me): this autumn, when L. still had her previously mentioned (2-month-old) boyfriend, the three of them went to a party. Her boyfriend was ignoring her, and since it was destroying her self-esteem from moment to moment, she turned to S. and literally touched him there.

At this point, I would like to re-mention the Enneagram system; L. is a Level 5 Three with a Wing 2. Type Three has issues with being accepted/admired/desired, and they will become aggressive as soon as this narcissistic need isn’t satisfied. (And this aggression won’t necessarily be directed to the person who actually hurt them.) In other words: if you are in a relationship with an average level type Three, there’s a great chance they are/will be doing such things if they don’t feel desired enough by you. This directs us back to their way of seeing other people: unhealthy Fe, and average (and lower level) Threes only need others to give them something. They only want to take, and not give anything back in return—much like a parasite.

There’s another aspect that aligns with the characteristics of unhealthy Fe. If you’ve seen/read Red Sparrow, by mentioning that piece of work, you should know instantly what I’m referring to is the chameleon-like attitude these people have. The “be the piece people lack, and they will give you anything” motto perfectly sums up how they approach other humans. To them, the package (their persona) isn’t just the most important part of their psyche, but the only thread they can hold on to, because there is nothing actual inside anymore. (Due to them always yielding to the current needs of different societies.)

A good example of this is her Instagram: in one picture, she looks like the idealistic art student, then in another she gives the impression of a serious business woman, and the third depicts her as a hardly dressed up, libertine girl who desperately seeks attention and the recognition/acknowledgement of men.

Issues with Narcissism

The aforementioned examples also point us in the direction of her scarred narcissism. I listened to a great lecture concerning Zimbardo’s book Man (Dis)connected, and one of the lecturing psychologists mentioned an attitude she named the “household attitude”. It refers to the phenomenon where people nowadays tend to keep more than just one person—meaning that on the surface, they live in monogamy, but in reality, they have many more men/women up their sleeves to run to whenever they need emotional comfort, instead of facing their issues head-on. Of course, this results in insecurity and repressing their problems on the long run, which will keep eating at them the more they are trying to ignore them. This is much like an addiction (it actually is, but instead of being addicted to chemicals, she is addicted to relationships).

Since, due to the narcissistic attitude, she isn’t brave enough to admit that she is a human, therefore can be at fault (and being at fault is okay), she won’t be able to start sorting out her issues. After all, if she admitted that she’s only human, and gave up the image of the perfect goddess who is wanted by all, will leave a giant hole on her vulnerable narcissistic ego, and will feel like a worthless nobody (since nothing would be left behind after the narcissistic lie she had been feeding herself).

Envy comes sort of hand in hand with narcissism, but of course, the narcissist would never admit they are envious of somebody. L. gave proof of her envy (towards me), when I was given the tiniest of attention that granted me a positive opinion through my reading. It made her feel less than me, so she needed to balance out the imbalance that their boss caused, especially because G. was there (who already has a good opinion of me), and started bragging about how much she likes to read, then went on to talk about buying books, etc…

L. also has issues with looping—her tertiary Ne provides her with the aforementioned “idealized relationship possibilities”-view, meaning that she will fall in love with the ideal image of a person. I know this because she told me about her probing G.’s relationship status on her second workday. (She works 4 hours a day as a student, so it took her a maximum of 8 hours of knowing G. before asking him about his relationship status.) According to her psyche, she must have imagined something like, “here’s this reserved, quiet, serious guy who helps me and answers me patiently whenever I have a question… he must like me!”

His politeness isn’t to be etched up to him being a generally nice person, or him respecting new co-workers and humbly helping them… no. Her narcissism told her that it’s because she is special to him for some reason, despite the fact they knew each other for less than 8 hours.

Her lack of self-respect is also evident in how long she’s been chasing G. fruitlessly. A person with a decent level of self-esteem would have exited the situation and look for someone else instead, but her narcissism won’t let her just let this be, because that would be equal with her accepting/admitting a defeat. It doesn’t matter that it’s against me—it could be anyone else. What matters here is the defeat itself, regardless from whom.

Summing up

L. is desperate—desperate for attention, love, and appreciation. Taking into account that she’s human, it’s completely normal to have these desires and fundamental needs. The problem here is that she seems to refuse any and every kind of help (including mine), and opts to ignore the problem instead.

By doing this, she allows this nagging feeling to eat at her, and harbor in the back of her mind. She isn’t sorting out her problems, just subconsciously reacts to whatever stimuli (inward or outward) comes at her, with little to no self-awareness. If she allows this to go on for much longer, she will eventually end up having frequent grip experiences.