INTJ & ESFJ

My fifth post in this category is dedicated to my parents. As you can probably guess already, I have a seamless relationship with one, while a rather tense with the other.

My father and I have a great understanding of each other. He always catches up on my jokes (which is dark humour quite often), and doesn’t fail to immediately toss a comeback at me. During family dinners—of which my mother is pretty fond—we talk to each other a lot, teaching each other at the same time. He says something, starting with the line “did you know that…”, and when he is done talking, I answer with a “and did you know…” My mother is silent most of the time, and when she does say something, it’s off-topic in most cases. She also fails to understand our sarcastic remarks.

My mother’s Si can get the better of my and my father’s Ni. She is constantly talking about the past, and it is often fueled by her dom Fe, ending up in memory lanes seeped with emotions (you have no idea how many times I have listened to the tale of how I was born. I even know the exact weight I came to this world with; it’s honestly insane how many details Si can absorb, but then again, women tend to remember so many details, because they connect everything to an emotion). My father and I are driven nuts, because we can’t understand what’s good in focusing on the past so much, when the future is what is ahead of you, thus that is what you still have the chance to change.

The opposition of her Fe and our Fi is also a deep well of problems. I am often accused of being insensitive/glaring/sometimes even pouting, just because she can’t deal with the fact that I’m reluctant (lazy, really) to show my emotions that much. (Then she compares me to my old self, who used to be a lot more playful with her, so I have to kindly remind her that I am a grown-up now.) She always feels like it’s important to point out how smart she sees me, but then ends up telling me old stories again, like I was the one to teach myself how to read before elementary school, etc. (I always find a way to stop her.) Her Fe also makes her childish.

Her Ne is another thing my father and I will never, ever understand—probably because of its cooperation with her other functions, because it makes her very intermittent, and she never plans ahead. It mostly shows its presence when it comes to cooking dishes. My mother always asks us what we want to eat, then she ends up doing something (entirely) different. Also, she admitted she doesn’t go to shopping with a list, she just goes, then looks around for possibilities. It is a typical manifestation of Ne—it’s looking outward for ideas.

My mother’s inferior function is Ti, and she always stubbornly sticks to what she finds logical, even though two of us is telling her it doesn’t make sense. Once she wanted to prove a paradox to me, which is physically impossible. (I probably shouldn’t comment.)

As for my father, he works as a system administrator, and solves various issues people have with their computers. They value him so much, because he can solve pretty much anything he comes across, even things others failed with. Needless to say, having an NiTe combo is yielding when someone is working in this field. Also, he himself educated and taught everything he knows now to himself. His interest was piqued when he was a teenager, so he wrapped himself up in a bunch of books and isolated himself from the world. (Typical Ni.)

My father is one of my all-time role models, and the two of us have a very deep connection, but it hardly-ever shows on the surface. Instead, we opt to show our affection in other ways, like having debates, which both of us enjoy and both of us are fond of. (Honestly, it can be even more endearing than one can imagine.) My mother can’t fully understand our complex relationship, because she can’t wrap her head around the way we communicate. My father and I insanely care for each other, but we give voice to this fact only in extraordinary situations, for instance when we almost lost each other.

Despite the stereotypes going on about INTJs, both of us can be really playful, especially with each other. My father is the embodiment of a perfect INTJ, because he has well-developed functions, which he also uses perfectly, and with his developed Fi, he cares for other people, and filters his words carefully so he doesn’t hurt anyone (but then when he comes home, he likes to tell me how stupid this and that person was, and we both agree in the end that human stupidity is infinite—we have come to this conclusion countless times).

He hardly ever talks about his problems, and when he does, I am the only one he approaches. And even then, he doesn’t seek comfort, but someone who lends an ear, and a capable individual to discuss the problem with so that he will find a solution to it—preferably ultimately eliminating the problem at the same time. He knows I have a great insight to things, so he trusts my assumptions and advices. There were one or two times when he chose not to do as I told him to, and it ended up in failure.

Our similarity is further proved by the Enneagram—both he and I are 5w6, the Problem Solvers.

My mother is yet to get used to my father and my extreme need for solitude. She doesn’t like it when we break the convention of the three of us having lunch together; she can’t understand why we like so much to retreat into our rooms and watch some series/read something awhile. Also, when only my father and I happen to be at home, it’s as though we were alone—we don’t disturb the other, because we understand that both of us has something to work on, and we aren’t hungry for companionship as much as my mother is. (Same goes for when we are in the same room—it’s like two ghosts were put together.)

I didn’t want to write too much for this post, since I feel like sharing anything about my family is way more personal than doing so with my friends, but it turned out more than I expected anyway.

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